The wedding - episode 6
Still at the end of the day, I do believe in the magic and sacrecy of wedding. The union of a man and woman, whose paths crossed by events shaped by fate, overcoming differences and odds, supported by families and friends, the beginning of a new journey and the end of solitude. Yes, call me a romantic, or an idealist. Why do people still believe in it and long for it then?
I am extremely happy for Jerome and Jana. How it all falls into place and the success of their wedding. And the support from everyone.
At every wedding, there’s always some sort of development in people’s lives. Elesia’s birth; Now Erica and Sanny are both pregnant. This is now episode 6. Started with ZX’s on 7th July 2007. I’ve missed Christian’s in Nov 07 as I was London-bound, missed LY’s in May 08 cos I was in London and missed Ivan’s in Nov 08 as I was on my way home. Manage to catch YF’s in late Nov 08 and last night, Jerome’s. Next would be SA. May 2010.
When will my date be? 20-12-2012? Hah?
I dunno. There are a few reasons why until now I am still single. Okay I am perfectly straight, if there’s any doubt.
Perceived burden. My mum died when I was 17. She was the one who ran the household, paid the bill, sociable, and entreprenuer. My dad spent all day working. Down to earth and honest guy. Quit his job and help out my mum with the new food business. So now my dad’s alone now and he’s not exactly the most independent person. He hasn’t had many friends and is not really sociable. Financially he is okay. I feel that I need to take care of him in terms of household stuff. My brother’s only 2 years younger than me. Could have been of a great help to this household but he is jobless and spent hours in front of the computer. Apart from helping out with some chores, he’s not contributing to the family income. I am paying for his school loans, which is 10% of my gross pay a year. I signed up the loan for him a year ago thinking that he would start working after graduated from the course he’d always wanted to do. I did not want to deprive him of his dream and did not mind paying for his loan first as long as he’s showing signs of effort to look for a proper job to support himself and plan for his future. Now I am feeling increasingly frustrated that he’s not putting in effort at all. Sometimes I feel that I am just giving money to the bank for nothing. I have holidays I want to go. Things I want to buy. Saving plans I wanted to hit. But they are all on hold. And practically, if I were to get married, how do I manage things with my meager savings and salary? How do I get start a house in peace when I have another in a mess. I wonder if this is a perceived burden? Someone tell me it’s not. Enlighten me please.
Events that preceded. And this perceived burden is always at the back of my mind, eating me slowly, maybe not like Gilbert Grape. I have learned to let go a little recently, still it affects my confidence. The events that preceded also had an impact on my personality. I was a gregarious person, always trying to impress. Not since my mum had the disease. I saw how a person could change from being a sociable and independent one to become someone quite invalid. I began to shut people out at one point, pour my time through books, looked inward. Until in recent years, I came out of the shell. Still those important years were marred. I don’t blame anyone. That’s my life. So I tend to be a little shy, keep my thoughts and words in my head than to make a fool of myself.
Meeting the right person. I thought I had met one and I really believed so. I was naive then. She was my first girlfriend and I was 23. I did blame her then and hated her for playing me out. I wasn’t out for a fling and I was serious. Looking back, it’s just a case of expectation management. But it did open my eyes about what relationship is about. There’s no perfect one and it wouldn’t be realistic to expect the sky from a person. My relationship was when I was 25. The same story happened again. I told myself to remain as calm and detached as possible from it. It was painful, not as pain as the first but it did rattle my confidence a fair bit. I had been single since. I had several crushes and attempts over the last few years, though some are not really obvious. I feel that I need to look around before I commit to anything. There are times when I tell people that I just want to play around. But the truth is what’s there to play about? Why do I need to go around and hurt people? Why do I need to waste my time when I have other better things to do? I am still looking and waiting.
So by the time my wedding happens, it will be episode 8. What will the plot be, who will play my girl? Someone need to give me a hand on this. I can’t write my own script.
