sometimes i wonder when can i break free from what i have and doing now to achieve a different level of self.
why am i not feeling confident of myself?
things bogged me down. i wish i could be free from the chains of it all.
how can i help?
i want to be out and live on my own and at the same time able to take care of things at home. i wonder if my brother ever really try to do something useful for once. it’s been months since he graduated. i am still paying for his loans. $3600 a year. and in three years, a whole $10 grand, where I could have gotten my drivers’ licence, tour America, or help pay for the deposit for my own house, or maybe invest or do something i like to do like getting a new camera or fund my little dream independent film project.
I watch him play games and watch anime everyday. day in and day out. without feeling bored. taking money without feeling at least obliged to look for something. without a hint of positivity. of hope or promise. nothing. just oridinary plain living. breathing, eating, sleeping.
I dun mind paing for anything if he shows commitment to do something. even if its continuous study, or pursuing something. but none of that seems to be taking place.
As I go through each day, wondering where my money goes. Yes all this amounts to nothing. But what I give, i expect some sort of return and reassurance that things are heading somewhere, not just throwing money into the waste bin in the expense of my dreams.
I feel indignant sometimes. but what’s the point of me nagging. I have been doing that over the past ten years. I have run dry and out of things to say.
