so what is it i want these days?
i am pretty satisfied with what i do in my job right now. i have been putting in effort to do it well and i hope to carry on without complacency.
but outside of work, i have no clue what i really want to do. every evening when i get home, it’s just feeling of a sense of emptiness.
- fitness. there are thoughts about signing up the gym, which I am going to do it next week and commit myself to it. i think exercise would do my body and brain good.
- photography. something i have always wanted to explore further. but should I invest in a DSLR really? I thought about taking courses to advance my skill especially the technical aspects. I figure when you have something digital, you just have to do read up online and forums. when you have film camera, things are a little different. things can still be precise, but there’s always room for serendipity in the way the light hits the film media, and not knowing how the shots would turn out till it has been developed. Bodies are cheaper but development cost adds up. But film development is something i want to explore as well.
- poetry and writing. i have been interested in writing. well not always. i can write alot when the “feeling” hit me. proses, poems, story ideas. but the “feeling” never always last for more than an evening. Hence nothing productive ever really came out. I wish to find the discipline to do this better. I don’t really mind signing up for some workshop that could unleash ideas in me, like the one I had when I was in uni. Just letting go, getting in touch with the most honest feeling and putting them on paper. And also finding the right technique and practices that help put down what I see and observe day to day into a treasure trove of details and metaphors that could be used for future material.
- volunteering my time. i have always wanted to volunteer my time to do something meaningful. Used to think about hospice care but i think that would be a bit hard for me. For a short period of time, I really wanted to help out at Doverpark Hospice, as a show of gratitude. I think I don’t have the courage. And I don’t think that’s the right motivation for me to want to help. I think it should be out of compassion and sincerity. I don’t know yet really at this point what I can contribute - i got no skills. but if I can bring some sort of happiness to others that would be great.
of course. love. and what is it i want out of love? what do i expect?
i remember just walking down the street and my expat colleague was just saying how lucky i am that there are so many hot girls in Singapore. I was like “where? no, that’s not.” Well the moral of the story is we’ve gotten so used to people we have and we do not see the value in them. we expect too much, in fact we expect the impossible - must look like one of those pop taiwanese singer, sweet and dainty with big eyes and a killer voice; must be able to carry an intellectual conversation and smart; must be independent when you don’t need her and yet be submissive when you need her; must be like a Japanese AV star on bed; must know how to cook and do the dishes; must know how to appreciate art. I think we might as well get an android.
I don’t know. I think that’s something I need to work down. Well not nececessarily “down” but just be realistic. And most importantly, stop trying to be nonchalent and be a little more proactive about it.
