soul searching

how can two peson be so close at one point and yet be strangers later on.

Has this been a one-sided affair along this one way street?

Have I not made my feelings known better than it already has?

Or have you chose not to hid and refuse to see?

Just leading me down the corridor only to leave me in the sea of delusion.

I guess you might have some interest of some sort. But I am quite a goof at reading people when it comes to such matters. So I tried to keep in touch over the next few days through facebook and msn.

I was hoping I didn’t scare you away for being a little too assertive or something. I want to give you space to feel and to think about the possibilities. And asking you out on another date on a weekday would be nice I thought and if it’s somewhere near your work, you wouldn’t need to rush out.

I was happy when you agreed. It was encouraging. I had actually booked a place at Oriole but I didn’t tell you cos I wanted to see if you are interested first, which I am glad you did. The place had a great ambient and nice down tempo mix of music.

We chat again, and you asked about my past relationships - there wasn’t much for me to tell on this one. I was interested to find out yours but I figure perhaps another day. It was overall a great night out.

I’ve bought you some charcoal pills and antacid for your Mumbai trip after hearing you have a weak stomach. Hopefully nothing will go wrong for you,

wish

I wish to have a family at some point in my life. To be able to give happiness and wisdom to my children, and to allow them to experience the wonders of life, no matter how unpleasant life might possibly be.

We can’t choose where and when we are born but we know what we can give for the next generation, nothing other than the best for them. I want my children to grow up in a loving, caring and nurturing environment. The love exudes from my wife and me.

I don’t have an exact normal family to start with. Mum passed away early. Dad’s businessman without much business sense. He’s a simple person, without much education and social life but he gave everything he has for this family.

Sometimes, I really admire my peers who have a normally family. Parents who grow old and is able to pass down wisdom to the young. Parents who are generous in their laughter and open-minded in their attitude towards life. Or sibilings who are dependable to help the household, contributing to the family, and you have a peace of mind knowing they don’t have to rely on you.

I do not have any of these. When their parents walked the ballroom, shaking hands with people, gracing the ocassion with smiles, siblings helping out and coordinating with the groom’s buddies, i asked myself, what will mine be like? I can’t really picture it. It looks far-fetched sometimes.

Yet I hope one day I will be there on the ballroom floor, with things in order. My brother smart in his suit marshaling the floor. My dad with his most gracious smile greeting the guests. My dear wife-to-be holding my hand, smiling, whispering to me, “yes we made it.” And that starts the next chapter of my life.

I felt numb sometimes and have sort of stop thinking, wondering and feeling. Curious about human behaviour, like I was when I was in uni. coming up with my own personal theories about why people behave in a certain way. have more empathy. and basically wonder about how would it feel when certain things happened.

This whole emotional curiousity seem to have been diminished. Where has it gone? Am I not sensitive anymore? Is this because i am in my late 20s, and I am being too comfortable with where I am that I forget what it feels to be on the fringe?

So is she the answer?

The wedding - episode 6

Still at the end of the day, I do believe in the magic and sacrecy of wedding. The union of a man and woman, whose paths crossed by events shaped by fate, overcoming differences and odds, supported by families and friends, the beginning of a new journey and the end of solitude. Yes, call me a romantic, or an idealist. Why do people still believe in it and long for it then?

I am extremely happy for Jerome and Jana. How it all falls into place and the success of their wedding. And the support from everyone.

At every wedding, there’s always some sort of development in people’s lives. Elesia’s birth; Now Erica and Sanny are both pregnant. This is now episode 6. Started with ZX’s on 7th July 2007. I’ve missed Christian’s in Nov 07 as I was London-bound, missed LY’s in May 08 cos I was in London and missed Ivan’s in Nov 08 as I was on my way home. Manage to catch YF’s in late Nov 08 and last night, Jerome’s. Next would be SA. May 2010.

When will my date be? 20-12-2012? Hah?

I dunno. There are a few reasons why until now I am still single. Okay I am perfectly straight, if there’s any doubt.

Perceived burden. My mum died when I was 17. She was the one who ran the household, paid the bill, sociable, and entreprenuer. My dad spent all day working. Down to earth and honest guy. Quit his job and help out my mum with the new food business. So now my dad’s alone now and he’s not exactly the most independent person. He hasn’t had many friends and is not really sociable. Financially he is okay. I feel that I need to take care of him in terms of household stuff. My brother’s only 2 years younger than me. Could have been of a great help to this household but he is jobless and spent hours in front of the computer. Apart from helping out with some chores, he’s not contributing to the family income. I am paying for his school loans, which is 10% of my gross pay a year. I signed up the loan for him a year ago thinking that he would start working after graduated from the course he’d always wanted to do. I did not want to deprive him of his dream and did not mind paying for his loan first as long as he’s showing signs of effort to look for a proper job to support himself and plan for his future. Now I am feeling increasingly frustrated that he’s not putting in effort at all. Sometimes I feel that I am just giving money to the bank for nothing. I have holidays I want to go. Things I want to buy. Saving plans I wanted to hit. But they are all on hold. And practically, if I were to get married, how do I manage things with my meager savings and salary? How do I get start a house in peace when I have another in a mess. I wonder if this is a perceived burden? Someone tell me it’s not. Enlighten me please.

Events that preceded. And this perceived burden is always at the back of my mind, eating me slowly, maybe not like Gilbert Grape. I have learned to let go a little recently, still it affects my confidence. The events that preceded also had an impact on my personality. I was a gregarious person, always trying to impress. Not since my mum had the disease. I saw how a person could change from being a sociable and independent one to become someone quite invalid. I began to shut people out at one point, pour my time through books, looked inward. Until in recent years, I came out of the shell. Still those important years were marred. I don’t blame anyone. That’s my life. So I tend to be a little shy, keep my thoughts and words in my head than to make a fool of myself.

Meeting the right person. I thought I had met one and I really believed so. I was naive then. She was my first girlfriend and I was 23. I did blame her then and hated her for playing me out. I wasn’t out for a fling and I was serious. Looking back, it’s just a case of expectation management. But it did open my eyes about what relationship is about. There’s no perfect one and it wouldn’t be realistic to expect the sky from a person. My relationship was when I was 25. The same story happened again. I told myself to remain as calm and detached as possible from it. It was painful, not as pain as the first but it did rattle my confidence a fair bit. I had been single since. I had several crushes and attempts over the last few years, though some are not really obvious. I feel that I need to look around before I commit to anything. There are times when I tell people that I just want to play around. But the truth is what’s there to play about? Why do I need to go around and hurt people? Why do I need to waste my time when I have other better things to do? I am still looking and waiting.

So by the time my wedding happens, it will be episode 8. What will the plot be, who will play my girl? Someone need to give me a hand on this. I can’t write my own script.

twenty-eight

day #10220.

I am not counting. Just amazed. I could imagine the creator count from 1 to 10220 with His infinite breath, and here I am becoming who I am. 10119 days ago, I was hardly my present arm’s length and weigh less than a sack of rice. bawling was all I knew. Milk was what I like.

I am thankful at this point that I am blessed with intelligience of a normal person, proper health and body.

Socially, I still have to work a little harder. I seem to be losing friends. But I am thankful for my good friends I have kept, no matter how I feel left out sometimes.

Career wise, I am glad to be given this opportunity. I am tired and a little unmotivated at this point. But I should be fine after a break. I know people respect me and my opinion. I need to continue to keep my feet on the ground and be modest and driven.

Love wise, it’s quite a failure. I am scared to commit and open the doors of my heart to people. But I know I need someone at this point in my life.

Have I spent each day fully? Is everyday fulfilled? Am working towards my dream? What is my dream? Do I have the courage to pursue it? What am I unhappy about right now and am I taking steps to make myself happier?

i think i need a new group of friends who are single. who are willing to be adventurous.

lately i find it hard especially on weekend to have fun. people are married. happily attached. do wholesome family stuff.i mean it’s okay. hey but without being out there, how do i meet somebody new? life hasn’t begun for me!

hah enough of my whinging.

But there’s some truth still. and also, serve me right for being socially aloof. and not taking the effort to do something big for my birthday. but this is just not me. i mean i can go to facebook and start an event and ask everyone to turn up.

so what do i exactly one?

i felt lost. To be honest. Sometimes I dunno who i am and sometimes I refuse to accept and conform to who I turn out to be. You can say maybe I am not exactly happy about how i have turned out to be. What would have been the alternative scenario then? Can I make do with what I have and turn my life around to get to that alternative scenario then?

Went out with friends on a stag night last night. It was wild. It was my first time being into such places. Too hot to handle I must say. I now understand how people can carried away and get addicted, ruining their pockets, career and then family.

She has a striking resemblance of my ex girlfriend, in terms of built, the shape of her face, hair, eyes and lips. The sweet look and the softness of her skin. The mind is a funny thing - drowned in liquor, and blaring music that no one was paying attention to, and the somewhat familiar scent, I was hooked on a time-machine to the past, as if she was her, in my arms, at her couch at her home, just watching TV, like we used to. Oblivious to everything else. I wished time would stood still.

Yet all these are deceiving. Pure figment of my imagination. There’s neither love nor feeling. Money is what she sought. I would like to think otherwise but i would be foolish and naive.

She will forget me by tomorrow night and by next week, she will probably be gone, back to her hometown, reaping the fruits of her labour. Maybe she’ll be back again, to a different place with a different name with a different hairdo. She’s probably only got such once in a lifetime opportunity to get herself out of poverty. Youth, looks and hard work are all she has and all she could give. There’s nothing to lose.

Time will eventually negate all these presumably shameful past for her. She will meet someone proper, fall in love, and start her own family, somewhere far away anew, in the hope that her offsprings will never follow in her footstep.