soul searching

iceberg

i clumsily drift

crumbling as i make my way

A Letter to You

Hello

I hope you have been well lately, no matter how difficult or intense work has been turning out to be.

It’s been two months since I knew you but it does sometimes seems like I had known you for ages somehow. Well without Jana and Jerome, I guess our paths wouldn’t have crossed.

There are some things I wish to tell you. Maybe I could have done so earlier. I don’t know if now is the best time but I felt that I had to let you know sooner or later or I will not be able to reconcile with myself. I have chosen to write to you here instead of telling you face to face. Forgive me if this is inappropriate but I had really been wanting to tell you personally and I could not find the opportunity as you have been quite occupied.

You caught my eye when I first saw you at Jana’s place. There’s something about you that I like. I can’t explain. When Jana told me you were not seeing anyone, I was rather hopeful that perhaps, this would be a great opportunity for me. And it seemed like things have already been set up for it at the start, unwittingly, when I was put in the same car as you on the day of their wedding. As you’ve probably noticed, I was not particularly good with words as I tried to stir up and get involved in some conversation in the car.

I plucked the courage to text you after the wedding. I’d missed the opportunity to speak to you amidst the chaotic wedding dinner, and partly due to my shyness. I could not stop thinking about you. I was over the moon when you agreed to meet. The more I chat with you, the more I got curious and the more I felt interested. I felt that I had to meet you again before you flew off to Mumbai to get a sense of how you feel, and hoping that somehow you would keep me in your thoughts.

The day when you touched down from Mumbai, I was actually at the airport. I was late by 5 minutes. I hung around hoping to see you. There was no sign of you though. By 9 a.m, I realised you could have gone back so I texted you. I was very gald that at least you did not mind meeting up with me in the afternoon, despite being so last minute and unplanned. I was actually worried that you would be exhausted.

I guess it did occur to me from that day that you might be somewhat interested to explore this friendship as well. I took your responsiveness optimistically. You departed for KL the next day and I was hoping we could keep this going when you come back. I was quite happy to be able to keep in touch with you when you were there and even more so, when you were willing to go out to catch a movie with me the very next day and also that crazy cycling trip in ECP. I was glad to know a few of your good friends as well and all these events seemed to be telling me that things were falling into place. I was confident in the assumption that we indeed have some mutual interest with each other.

The week after those meetings, I had a good feeling and I was very eager to want to see you again. I was actually looking for an opportunity to tell you. However, it began to seem like you were becoming more and more busy. When we were not able to meet for 2 weeks, I thought, God, what was this leading to. And you had been not able to meet as well subsequently. I was rather low morale. I began to wonder if you had started to lose interest? Did I say something wrong? Maybe I had been blindly optimistic and I read all these signs wrongly? Maybe I had been taking my time and it was all too late?

My self-confidence was actually rattled. And I was afraid that I would lose you, even as a friend. To be honest, the past month had not been easy. I could not pretend nothing had happened. It was a real and honest feeling that I had to let you know. I gave myself a week to see if I could forget all these. The truth is, deep down inside, I still can’t.

So that was all what I wanted to say to you. I hope you don’t take offence. I am not sure what you would make out of this. Shock maybe? Or maybe you’re thinking  hey this guy is crazy and scary. I just want to be honest with you and have no other intentions.

With or Without You

I guess now I am beginning to see a much clearer picture, for my sanity’s and happiness’ sake.

I just have to let it be this way right? What else can I do?

I mean it’s all very simple. Here’s the story:

“A likes B. A ask B out. B agrees. And A and B went out for about 5 dates. A even met some of B’s good mates and got along fine. A thinks B is reciprocating so A wants to meet again to express his feelings. But B is not free due to work commitments and A still try to keep in contact everyday by text and online whenever possible. A is also quite a busy man to begin with. And out of the blue, B starts to become very cold. A is quite puzzled by the sudden disinterest from B. The initial spontaniety has disappeared. A is losing his confidence as B keeps rejecting A’s initiative to go out. A has given B quite a lot of breathing space and is very confused by the change in the attitude but he can’t find out the reason without meeting B alone. And now B doesn’t reply A’s text anymore. The replies have become very a-matter-of-fact and B seems to have disappeared completely from A’s msn, even though she had been online frequently and updating her facebook. This is a little out of B’s character as she always goes on msn. Something’s going on…..”

Do I like her enough to climb the highest mountain? Perhaps I could have, if she had willed it. Nature does not take its course. It’s how we will things to happen right. Create opportunities. If she’d liked me enough, she would have given me more opportunity to express myself. But I must say she did at first and I felt that she was reciprocating and I was led to believe that at some point she was interested…

Did I say something or do something wrong? Maybe she wants to block out everything else and chase her career to new heights. Maybe the timing isn’t right? I’m not worthy enough. Maybe. I will be very disappointed if she chose to hide behind the veil of work. I will never ever know.

Or maybe my gut feeling was wrong. There was no interest on her part in the first place, from the beginning. It was just a figment of my imagination.

I cannot go on and continue to be foolish.

I shall not be left hanging anymore. I will now cut lose the rope and drop into the sea below. Let the tide trash me around and wash me to another place.

If she should extend another rope for me, I will not grab it. I have been tired out by these “games”. We are all mature and should find opportunities to talk things out - whether friends or lovers.

It didn’t matter anymore now though, with or without you. Friends or not.

Can’t sleep tonight even though its raining steadily outside.

it’s nearly 2 in the morning.

listening to stephanie sun’s song and it brings me back memories of late 2004 whne I was still with J.

It’s been nearly 5 years.

I still haven’t found someone I truely love after her.

i guess perhaps i shouldn’t be too harsh on my dad.

it’s not his fault that things turned out the way it is. he did his best, even though it may not be the best solution.

i regreted saying a few things today.

i guess i am just tired. from work, from ict, from unrequited love (not so bad la but still play a large role in my recent foul; mood), from every other thing. that i wanna just get away from it all.

I found solace losing myself in Orchard light up.and in kinokuniya.

just need to clear my head for now and be ready for new things to come.

gotta tell myself the new week’s going to be good. a getaway from work.

it did not matter.

Monday: nothing much happened. worked late again.

Tuesday: nothing much happened. went to the gym.

Wednesday: got pissed drunk at a colleague’s farewell. Downed 6 Tequilla shots in an hour.

Thursday: Spend most morning pissed drunk and had to time out and head home for a nap. Afternoon was surprisingly energetic and things were back to normal. Quincy Hotel was fantastic and posh.

Friday: Finished work late. Beer and pizza went smoothly except that I was so busy I nearly forgot to ordered pizzas.

Saturday: went to the gym in the morning and had to head back to the office just when I was about to eat my lunch. power tripped in the office. server was almost cooked. afternoon went by quickly. Met up with friends at night at 8Q for a friend’s event. Cool. Nice music and art and free beer.

Well all these didn’t matter at all to her. Cos she was not interested at all to find out.

Why should I try harder than I should have already been?

To what end? Will I be happy ever even if I succeeded?

Another week gone by. Nothing’s moved.

Cold. cold….cold

I drunk. Danced my night away. Poured my guts out till there was nothing left in me.

Went to hell and back.

And all I ever thought about was you.

.

Looking back at my life wondering why I hadn’t been more successful than I should probably have been.

When did my life get all mucked up and where was the turning point of me becoming who I am today?  - outlook of life, personality, career choice, love etc.

What will the next 10 years be like? Should I surrender to all these facts and let the wind carry me or should I take bold steps to chart the course of my life? What and how should I go about doing it? Who will be there for me?

What are my new dreams? What are my plans? What do I see?

I think I still have the drive if I put my mind into things. I have been very distracted. I have been easily swayed. I have been bomboarded. Mix messages. Everyone tells you different things. Decisions. Decisions.

How do I make sense of these? How do I listen to myself?

It all seems like a one-way street.

We might as well be strangers.

When we never seem to meet.

Farewell, the sun will unhinge this bleak.