soul searching

Resolution Twenty Ten

I wish 2010 will a good year for my family. I prayerfully wish my dad remains in good spirit and in good health. And I wish my brother’s band will take off and his career will be successful.

I am thankful for all that has happened and grateful for the faith and trust that London guys have bestowed on me for the company set up, from the initial inertia and uncertainly of set up in the first quarter of the year to the eventual set up and reasonable success of the office.

There has been few surprises as well like the sudden need for me to go back to London to help out in project, which I really appreciate very much.

I am also very grateful to continue the friendship with those who had went with me to London, and old friends like Ad and gang, the ex NTSS people, and some ocassional meet up with ex-uni people and ex-colleagues like Del and WY. It’s nice to know that many have moved on since I came back - new careers, new family, new partners, new beginnings. I wish everyone all the best.

I am glad I have not fallen ill much in 2009 and in fact my body has been strengthen with the gym regime and I am proud to score gold for my ippt. I hope to keep up with that in 2010.

There have been several low points as well in 2009. I picked up some social smoking. I’ve went to those KTV places, even though it’s for a bachelor party but it sort of opened some floodgate of my past inhibitions. I’ve since gone back another time for another bachelor’s party, and even visited some very unsavory places that I regreted. I felt quite downtrodden and dirty, and a little paranoid as about catching some wierd disease.

Looking back, I had been quite strict with myself. Everyone looked upon me as a gentleman, a good natured guy, a caring son etc. Sometimes I felt like I want to break free from this good guy mould. I asked mysef, who am I doing good for? My ego? Who appreciates my goodness?

I realised that I could slide away and become wayward easiy for I do not have an anchor in my life. I am not whole and I realise that I have been this way for the past decade. I can’t give my love and I am afraid of losing my love. But I want to break free from this knot. I yearn to love freely. But not in seeking pleasure momentarily, and only to fall deeper into the abyss; I want to seek the truth - the light and let this fill me up as a whole. With this peace in me, I will then be ready to love.

I believe God is the answer. So in 2010, I want to take this leap of faith. To seek God and His truth and to seek His forgiveness. And so the following is a set of resolution I’ve set for 2010. Ultimately, I know if I seek His Righteousness, the rest will fall into place.

1. Love is Patience

To always have time and room for other people, no matter how trivial the matter may appear to be.

To practice tolerance in other people’s shortcomings.

To listen first, feel and think, then act.

2. Body

To drink only when neccessary in a social gathering and drink moderately.

To avoid smoking.

To continue to exercise regularly - gym, run, tennis, golf.

To eat healthily in the most economical way - cook more often if possible.

To avoid all KTVs, Geylang Lorongs, and all other places where one may be tempted - even on certain Internet sites like Sammyboy forum or porn sites, they must be avoided.

To keep up with sleep instead of spending unnecessary time online.

3. Mind

To strengthen the mind - read more books and solving more puzzles.

To be rational and logical. Always think before act.

4. Friends

To make time for gathering with friends.

To be there for friends when they needed help or a listening ear.

To make more new friends hopefully

To strengthen existing friendship.

5. Work

To be more communicative with others. Speak simple, loud and clear.

To continue to keep up the good work put in this year and not be complacent.

To give honest feedback and suggestions.

6. Money

To set aside money regularly for savings. Starting with at least 10%. And whatever increment that comes along should go straight into savings. The aim is to double the amount of current net savings by the end of next year, out of which, 10% will be used for a longer vacation trip - either, Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong or Australia.

To exercise prudence in spending.

7. Love

Seek first the Kingdom of God,.

8. Spiritual

To commit myself to a religion this year, either methodist or catholicism. Consider prayerfully first.

9. Volunteer

To be able to give some of my time to Doverpark Hospice, in my small ways.

10. Skills

To sign up for basic elementary Japanese.

To sign up for driving lessons.

To explore photograpy more deeply.

2010

So a decade has come to a close since year 2000. Well I guess it’s quite significant to most people, since this is the first decade of the millenia and it’s probably an easy reference point for someone to look back and reflect. Since I am born in 1981, right at the beginning of a decade, at every turn of the decade, I would be in the late 20s, 30s and so on in the age category. So I guess referencing from 2000 kind of works for me.

My millenia started off enlisted in National Service as a recruit. A rite of passage to adulthood essentially. Stepping out of comfort zone, sharing a room with 9 other strangers from all walks of lives and many of them with strange quirky habits. The world was weirder than I thought. And my eyes were suddenly opened to the skepticism and cynicism of how people were just going through the motion to get through the system. I guess my idealism at the beginning of enlistment had given way to the grim reality of things. I’ve met some brilliant people as well and still kept in touch to this day. As much as I would love to be an officer like many other young lads, alas, not everyone was cut out to be one. Fortunately or not, I do not know yet. If I had been put through it, how different would I have become today?

After a not very eventful 2 years 4 months, I’ve finished my full-time national service. While serving, I had plenty of time to think about what exactly do I want to do in my university. I’ve booked a place in computer science, under a scholar’s programme but I felt that I had no inkling or interest in that area. While idling as a storeperson after I was diagnose with pneumonia, I had a lot of time to read books, watch art-fart short films, go for music gigs etc. And I guess those disparate experience helped shape my decision to take up communication studies. And to be fair, I actually did not have any clue what that course entails. All I’ve wanted to do was to make films.

So in the first-term of my first year in university, I was quite astonished by the amount of readings I had to do. To begin with, my command of English had actually been rather appaling. Furthermore, I had problems understanding and paying attention in lectures to the rambles of my lecturer, some with China accent and some with Indian accent. I was also working part-time in Starbucks as a barista at that time and it was a great struggle to juggle both things. On top of that, there was also the “stress” of meeting new people every day in different classes and getting out of the comfort zone to present in front of big classes, of which 80% were female. Still, in the end I did well for subjects I was good in - areas of film studies and multimedia. In areas like journalism, research and presentation modules, I scored a mediocre C for them. So I guess the first term charted the course of my undergraduate studies. I was more than dertermine to avoid heavy theoretical subjects and focused my time and energy on practical modules.

I took up broadcast practicum for 4 semesters and started producing and even presenting news packages. I’ve never imagined myself doing that for real, although I did actually secretly mimick news presenter when I was younger. It was fun working in small teams and getting to know seniors as well. In my final 2 practicum I was doing executive producing work. We had enough people to do studio programs and my task was to help with the training of juniors, write presenter links, coordinate rehearsals and recording. I remember I had some very strict and “old school” teachers who would watch from behind my back and bark comments and criticism in the studio control room. Every session was nerve-wrecking, especially the studio interview segment, either as a studio director or as a presenter.

The professional internship experience further increased my confidence with videography. Taking videos and assisting cameras were what I did everyday - events, product, interviews - and that somehow led me to participate in the inagural go-far project in Sri Lanka.

When was the last time i have felt thoroughly liberated?

I don’t mean carefree and living a life with no rules.

I meant free from my own inhibitions, perceived burden, my shame, my own pettiness. And my sins.

I can’t love cos I am not free to give. I don’t feel love cos I am not able to receive it with open arms when they are have been tied to a tree of burden rooted deep into the ground. Everyday it just grow deeper and extensive and into various areas of my life.

I need to be free from this tree. Why must I be enslaven when I am born a free person?

What I have been searching I still have not found them.

Nor have I been happy for more than a moment.

Pursue of love, lust, philosophy, material success

What satisfaction do they bring me.

They come today, gone tomorrow.

I will never be satisfied.

Are You the answer?

But I have failed You so many times with false profession of my belief.

Today I am weary, very weary of all this burden I am carrying. The more I think I can rely on my strength to carry on, the more I slipped and fall in other areas of my life. I begin to feel a sense of hatred and frustration towards myself and those around me. I am beginning to look for other wayward means to relief these anxieties.

I have no peace. I have little patience.

Life is indeed short yet there’s so much to do. I felt like as if I am running out of time with all this worrying about tomorrow and comparison with others.

Will You be my answer? Will You come into my life again to see the beauty of your love?

The answer I know lies with me. For You have given me free-will to decide.

How do I define success? Is success a state of mind? Or is it defined by other people’s perception, which is usually measured by what’s presented visually and materially?

Sometimes I like to define success as being able to find my inner peace, and the outcome of this are happiness and contentment.

Okay, so we have at least a working definition of success and now we can break things down and identify what the attributes of this “inner peace” are, and then further define this attributes.

Felt absolutely at peace today at the esplanade library today for that 2 hours: watching the sunset of the city skyline, listening to hopeful retro Eric Moo songs, and reading about Google success story.

sitting by the window

watching the sky glow

red and pink from gold

as the city behold

and flickers into life

like fireflies taking flight

what will I make out of these city walls

iceberg

i clumsily drift

crumbling as i make my way

running aground

A Letter to You

Hello

I hope you have been well lately, no matter how difficult or intense work has been turning out to be.

It’s been two months since I knew you but it does sometimes seems like I had known you for ages somehow. Well without Jana and Jerome, I guess our paths wouldn’t have crossed.

There are some things I wish to tell you. Maybe I could have done so earlier. I don’t know if now is the best time but I felt that I had to let you know sooner or later or I will not be able to reconcile with myself. I have chosen to write to you here instead of telling you face to face. Forgive me if this is inappropriate but I had really been wanting to tell you personally and I could not find the opportunity as you have been quite occupied.

You caught my eye when I first saw you at Jana’s place. There’s something about you that I like. I can’t explain. When Jana told me you were not seeing anyone, I was rather hopeful that perhaps, this would be a great opportunity for me. And it seemed like things have already been set up for it at the start, unwittingly, when I was put in the same car as you on the day of their wedding. As you’ve probably noticed, I was not particularly good with words as I tried to stir up and get involved in some conversation in the car.

I plucked the courage to text you after the wedding. I’d missed the opportunity to speak to you amidst the chaotic wedding dinner, and partly due to my shyness. I could not stop thinking about you. I was over the moon when you agreed to meet. The more I chat with you, the more I got curious and the more I felt interested. I felt that I had to meet you again before you flew off to Mumbai to get a sense of how you feel, and hoping that somehow you would keep me in your thoughts.

The day when you touched down from Mumbai, I was actually at the airport. I was late by 5 minutes. I hung around hoping to see you. There was no sign of you though. By 9 a.m, I realised you could have gone back so I texted you. I was very gald that at least you did not mind meeting up with me in the afternoon, despite being so last minute and unplanned. I was actually worried that you would be exhausted.

I guess it did occur to me from that day that you might be somewhat interested to explore this friendship as well. I took your responsiveness optimistically. You departed for KL the next day and I was hoping we could keep this going when you come back. I was quite happy to be able to keep in touch with you when you were there and even more so, when you were willing to go out to catch a movie with me the very next day and also that crazy cycling trip in ECP. I was glad to know a few of your good friends as well and all these events seemed to be telling me that things were falling into place. I was confident in the assumption that we indeed have some mutual interest with each other.

The week after those meetings, I had a good feeling and I was very eager to want to see you again. I was actually looking for an opportunity to tell you. However, it began to seem like you were becoming more and more busy. When we were not able to meet for 2 weeks, I thought, God, what was this leading to. And you had been not able to meet as well subsequently. I was rather low morale. I began to wonder if you had started to lose interest? Did I say something wrong? Maybe I had been blindly optimistic and I read all these signs wrongly? Maybe I had been taking my time and it was all too late?

My self-confidence was actually rattled. And I was afraid that I would lose you, even as a friend. To be honest, the past month had not been easy. I could not pretend nothing had happened. It was a real and honest feeling that I had to let you know. I gave myself a week to see if I could forget all these. The truth is, deep down inside, I still can’t.

So that was all what I wanted to say to you. I hope you don’t take offence. I am not sure what you would make out of this. Shock maybe? Or maybe you’re thinking  hey this guy is crazy and scary. I just want to be honest with you and have no other intentions.

With or Without You

I guess now I am beginning to see a much clearer picture, for my sanity’s and happiness’ sake.

I just have to let it be this way right? What else can I do?

I mean it’s all very simple. Here’s the story:

“A likes B. A ask B out. B agrees. And A and B went out for about 5 dates. A even met some of B’s good mates and got along fine. A thinks B is reciprocating so A wants to meet again to express his feelings. But B is not free due to work commitments and A still try to keep in contact everyday by text and online whenever possible. A is also quite a busy man to begin with. And out of the blue, B starts to become very cold. A is quite puzzled by the sudden disinterest from B. The initial spontaniety has disappeared. A is losing his confidence as B keeps rejecting A’s initiative to go out. A has given B quite a lot of breathing space and is very confused by the change in the attitude but he can’t find out the reason without meeting B alone. And now B doesn’t reply A’s text anymore. The replies have become very a-matter-of-fact and B seems to have disappeared completely from A’s msn, even though she had been online frequently and updating her facebook. This is a little out of B’s character as she always goes on msn. Something’s going on…..”

Do I like her enough to climb the highest mountain? Perhaps I could have, if she had willed it. Nature does not take its course. It’s how we will things to happen right. Create opportunities. If she’d liked me enough, she would have given me more opportunity to express myself. But I must say she did at first and I felt that she was reciprocating and I was led to believe that at some point she was interested…

Did I say something or do something wrong? Maybe she wants to block out everything else and chase her career to new heights. Maybe the timing isn’t right? I’m not worthy enough. Maybe. I will be very disappointed if she chose to hide behind the veil of work. I will never ever know.

Or maybe my gut feeling was wrong. There was no interest on her part in the first place, from the beginning. It was just a figment of my imagination.

I cannot go on and continue to be foolish.

I shall not be left hanging anymore. I will now cut lose the rope and drop into the sea below. Let the tide trash me around and wash me to another place.

If she should extend another rope for me, I will not grab it. I have been tired out by these “games”. We are all mature and should find opportunities to talk things out - whether friends or lovers.

It didn’t matter anymore now though, with or without you. Friends or not.

Can’t sleep tonight even though its raining steadily outside.

it’s nearly 2 in the morning.

listening to stephanie sun’s song and it brings me back memories of late 2004 whne I was still with J.

It’s been nearly 5 years.

I still haven’t found someone I truely love after her.