soul searching

gotta tell myself the new week’s going to be good. a getaway from work.

it did not matter.

Monday: nothing much happened. worked late again.

Tuesday: nothing much happened. went to the gym.

Wednesday: got pissed drunk at a colleague’s farewell. Downed 6 Tequilla shots in an hour.

Thursday: Spend most morning pissed drunk and had to time out and head home for a nap. Afternoon was surprisingly energetic and things were back to normal. Quincy Hotel was fantastic and posh.

Friday: Finished work late. Beer and pizza went smoothly except that I was so busy I nearly forgot to ordered pizzas.

Saturday: went to the gym in the morning and had to head back to the office just when I was about to eat my lunch. power tripped in the office. server was almost cooked. afternoon went by quickly. Met up with friends at night at 8Q for a friend’s event. Cool. Nice music and art and free beer.

Well all these didn’t matter at all to her. Cos she was not interested at all to find out.

Why should I try harder than I should have already been?

To what end? Will I be happy ever even if I succeeded?

Another week gone by. Nothing’s moved.

Cold. cold….cold

I drunk. Danced my night away. Poured my guts out till there was nothing left in me.

Went to hell and back.

And all I ever thought about was you.

.

Looking back at my life wondering why I hadn’t been more successful than I should probably have been.

When did my life get all mucked up and where was the turning point of me becoming who I am today?  - outlook of life, personality, career choice, love etc.

What will the next 10 years be like? Should I surrender to all these facts and let the wind carry me or should I take bold steps to chart the course of my life? What and how should I go about doing it? Who will be there for me?

What are my new dreams? What are my plans? What do I see?

I think I still have the drive if I put my mind into things. I have been very distracted. I have been easily swayed. I have been bomboarded. Mix messages. Everyone tells you different things. Decisions. Decisions.

How do I make sense of these? How do I listen to myself?

It all seems like a one-way street.

We might as well be strangers.

When we never seem to meet.

Farewell, the sun will unhinge this bleak.

I’ve just walked into the wall again. My third time in 5 days. Someone please knock some senses into my head.

it’s such a shame isn’t it. i guess i have to ask myself the hard question sooner or later.

i shouldn’t waste her time i guess.

i am not chickening out. this is not a dare or a bet. this is her happiness at stake.

so time to give up in it? this is it? maybe in another time, somewhere else, it might all work out. we’ll fall in love, marry each other, have children, and grow old.

Not this dimension. Not now. Or perhaps, never will. I’ll never give her the happiness she’ll ever need.

Lately, she has kind of took a little turn in her response to my messages. It’s a subtle shift into a more platonic, casual and neutral tone.

She seemed to have taken less interest in what I have done and how I am for the day.

I think she likes me or she wouldn’t have spent the time with me but she isn’t sure whether this should develop beyond friendship.

The dust has perhaps settled for her and she’s probably putting her feelings into better perspective now. She’s 29, what if I am not the right one? what if I am out for something else? Why not wait a bit more than to jump on someone who comes along out of nowhere, with no track record.

She’s got more to lose than me if things didn’t work out. If I genuinely like her and is serious about it, she will want to see my sincerity and persistance over a sustainable period. Not some flashy few dates and small gifts over a month.

Perhaps someone has said something and woken her up from all this romantic dream. Or perhaps after she put her work aside, she has more time to think about herself and what she ever wants.

So I guess the table gets turnaround now to me - how much exactly do I want her?

My Downfall in Relationships and How I Have been Trying to Curb Them.

I knew it all along but I have been trying to curb it.

Horoscope enthusiasts would attribute it to a typical Virgo trait but I think otherwise.

Well I am not sure whether it’s serious enough to call it a “downfall”.

There’s no single word that can describe this trait. It’s a group of inter-connected behaviour.

1. Expectation management. I tend to give a lot into relationship and I expect others to do the same. I get disappointed easily if they don’t meet mine. The disappointment will normally turn into self-criticism, blaming myself for making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing.

I have been trying to curb this by controlling my thinking - using my analytical logic to my advantage - although often it goes the other way when it’s overly done. I will re-assess the situation, think through what the other party has been giving; become more empathetic and understand what they need at the moment that lead them to make the decision in question, which triggered my responses. From here, draw a more logical conclusion, convince myself this has to be the case and think about what’s next.

For e.g if someone do not want to meet - is it because she’s not interested or losing interest? On the surface, it seems so. But if I rationalise deeper, and take what’s been happening recently into context, I can lift myself out of that “disappointment”. Like has she spent time recently with me and if she has, she’s already given her share of interest. And the rejection of the date could mean she need to spend more time with her friends or alone, because she has been terribly busy and traveling. She needs her own time and space to sort out her own world as well to make sure that it’s in harmony.

In the past, especially in my first relationship, I did not understand this side of me. It’s like a dark-side that slowly creep in as the relationship progresses. While I can be caring and understanding and giving, I should also stop measuring myself about how much I have put in but think about what the other party has put in as well, in her small little ways, and in relation to what stage the relationship is in. Space is important. Space to balance life, space to sort out the thoughts, space to be with friends and love ones. The world doesn’t revolve around me or her but with others as well. If the other parts have been well taken care, I am sure in turn, this will contribute to the growth of the relationship.

2. Certainty. I am extremely uncomfortable in uncertainty. I need to be in the know so I can understand and take control of the situation. Therefore communication is quite important - whether if it’s just a mobile text, a quick phone call, or an email, that’s enough. Sometimes, people might want to withold what they want to tell and I guess I have to learn to respect that. It’s tough to not-know, and it’s pointless to second guess - and this is also my weakness as I tend to get carried away in my rationalisation. I tend to want to find out more through means like facebook, twitter or blogs and “triangulate” my conclusion.

I guess this is also about space as well. While even though the information is “open source” since it’s on the net, I have no right or permission to stalk or read what others are thinking, just as I do not want others to read my writings in this blog as well. I will feel exposed.

The only way to approach this is just to be frank. Ask and she will tell. Ask in a manner where it is not intrusive or pushy. If it’s nothing secretive, she will tell, sooner or later. If she’s hiding something, let her keep it. It’s tough but I guess if I think about the big picture of things, what it eventually would amount to, it’s okay to just let it go and stop brooding about it.